Considerate(kənˈsidərət) communication

By Derek Sivers

You get a big long email from someone and think, “Ooof. I’ll come back to that later.” (Then you never do.)

Someone tries to contact you using a technology you hate, like a surprising incoming video call.

You have a dilemma(diˈlemə, dīˈlemə) and need a good conversation, so you reach out to someone who replies(rəˈplī), “Can you make it quick?”

You’re overwhelmed with work on a tight deadline, and a friend calls trying to have a long conversation.

It’s hard to match your communication with someone else’s preference(ˈpref(ə)rəns) and situation.

There’s a huge benefit to having a great conversation, but sometimes you need to be extremely(ikˈstrēmlē) succinct(sə(k)ˈsiNG(k)t). So how do you reconcile(ˈrekənˌsīl) this? Here’s my advice:

First, prepare the most succinct version of your reason for contacting someone. Make it so short that if the person only has 30 seconds to talk, you could communicate your point, ask your question, and get the answer.

With real-time communication, like text or phone, just start by asking if they have time. If they do, then take the time to get personal, be a friend, and have a good conversation. But if they don’t, then just use the short version.

With non-real-time communication, like email, assume you’ve only got ten seconds. Edit(ˈedət) your emails down to a few sentences. But always give a link to more information, so they can check it out if they have time. And include your other contact information, in case they prefer a longer conversation about it. (This is what email signatures(-ˌCHo͝or,ˈsignəCHər) are for.) Then, if they reply and ask, you can give the extra information you left out before.

Some hate texting. Some hate calls. Some hate video. Some hate it all. Just keep track of their preference for future use.

This may sound obvious(ˈäbvēəs), but it’s a bigger problem than people realize. Considerate communication is surprisingly rare(re(ə)r).

https://sivers.org/ccom

The Mother

By Brandy Carlile

Welcome to the end of being alone inside your mind

Tethered(ˈteT͟Hər) to another and you’re worried all the time

You always knew the melody(ˈmelədē) but you never heard it rhyme(rīm)

She’s fair(fe(ə)r) and she is quiet

Lord she doesn’t look like me

She made me love the morning she’s a holiday at sea

The New York streets are as busy as they always used to be

But I am the mother of Evangeline(ə)

The first things that she took from me were selfishness and sleep

She broke a thousand heirlooms(ˈe(ə)rˌlo͞om) I was never meant to keep

She filled my life with color

Cancelled plans and trashed my car

But none of that is ever who we are

Outside of my windows are the mountains and the snow

I hold you while you’re sleeping

And I wish that I could go

All my rowdy(ˈroudē) friends around accomplishing their dreams

But I am the mother of Evangeline

They’ve still got their morning paper

And their coffee(ˈkäfē,ˈkôfē) and their time

They still enjoy their evenings

With the skeptics(ˈskeptik) and their wine(wīn)

Oh but all the wonders I have seen I will see a second time

From inside of the ages through your eyes

You were not an accident(ˈaksidənt) where no one thought it through

The world has stood against us

Made us mean to fight for you

And when we chose your name

We knew that you’d fight the power too

You’re nothing short of magical and beautiful to me

I would never hit the big time without you

So they can keep their treasure(ˈtreZHər) and their ties to the machine

Cause I am the mother of Evangeline

They can keep their treasure and their ties to the machine

Cause I am the mother of Evangeline

Ooooh

https://y.qq.com/n/yqq/song/004Mzo954J7Lek.html

Virtual(ˈvərCHo͞oəl) Coworking(ˌkōˈwərkiNG)

By Steve Pavlina

I learned about virtual co-working in the past year when a Conscious(ˈkänCHəs) Growth Club member introduced me to it. It’s very simple. A group of people hop(häp) onto a Zoom call together, and they work, each person in their own physical(ˈfizikəl) space. A work session session might last for a few hours.

This might sound odd(äd), but it’s surprisingly(sərˈprīziNGlē) helpful if you’re used to working solo(ˈsōlō). With everyone sharing their videos and being able to watch each other if they want, you also know that you’re being watched, which can make you feel more accountable(əˈkoun(t)əb(ə)l) to doing real work. You see everyone else working diligently(ˈdiləjəntlē) and looking focused, which makes you want to join in.

There’s also the option to check in with each other at regular intervals(ˈin(t)ərvəl). Ultraworking(ˈəltrə) hosts sessions with 30-minute work cycles(ˈsīkəl) and 10 minute breaks. Those intervals are a bit short for my tastes(tāst) since the check-ins feel too frequent(ˈfrēkwənt), but the general concept is interesting.

I’ve done many virtual co-working sessions, mostly last year, and while I wouldn’t want to do them all day long, they’re nice now and then. I like the variety(vəˈrīədē) of it, as long as the check-ins aren’t too frequent.

Once drawback, however, is that it’s not that exciting to do virtual co-working with strangers that you don’t know. It’s not bad though since it’s basically the online equivalent(əˈkwiv(ə)lənt) of working at a Starbucks surrounded by strangers.

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https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2020/04/virtual-coworking/

Review of “This is Spinal(ˈspīnl) Tap”

By Roger Ebert

Guitarist(ɡəˈtärəst) Nigel(ˈnījəl) Tufnel is explaining his amplifier(ˈampləˌfīər) to documentary(ˌdäkyəˈment(ə)rē) filmmaker(ˈfilmˌmākər) Marty DiBergi:

It’s very special, because, as you can see–the numbers all go to 11. Right across the board. Eleven, 11. . . .

And most amps(amp) go up to 10?

Exactly.

Does that mean it’s louder? Is it any louder?

Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it? It’s not 10. You see, most blokes(blōk) are going to be playing at 10–you’re on 10 on your guitar, where can you go from there? Where?

I don’t know.

Nowhere! Exactly! What we do, if we need that extra push over the cliff(klif), you know what we do? You put it up to 11.

Eleven.

Exactly. One louder. Why don’t you just make 10 louder, and make 10 be the top number, and make that a little louder?

Nigel is so baffled(ˈbafəl) by this notion(ˈnōSHən) that he almost stops chewing(CHo͞o) his gum(gəm). “These go to 11,” he repeats finally. His faith(fāTH) in that extra push over the cliff is unshakable. Marty DiBergi realizes he’s dealing with a matter of guitar theology(THēˈäləjē), not logic. Nigel has few ideas, but they are clearly defined and defiantly(dəˈfīəntlē) defended. DiBergi, a rational(ˈraSHnəl,ˈraSHənl) filmmaker, is helpless in the face of Nigel’s rapture(ˈrapCHər).

“This Is Spinal Tap,” one of the funniest movies ever made, is about a lot of things, but one of them is the way the real story is not in the questions or in the answers, but at the edge(ej) of the frame(frām). There are two stories told in the film: the story of what the rock band Spinal Tap thinks, hopes, believes or fears is happening, and the story of what is actually happening. The reason we feel such affection for its members is because they are so touching in their innocence(ˈinəsəns) and optimism(ˈäptəˌmizəm). Intoxicated(inˈtäksəkāt) by the sheer(SHi(ə)r) fun of being rock stars, they perform long after their sell-by date, to smaller and smaller audiences, for less and less money, still seeking the roar(rôr) of the crowd(kroud).

…
https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-this-is-spinal-tap-1984

The Difference Between Worry, Stress and Anxiety(aNGˈzīədē)

They’re not all the same, but we do have tips(tip) to help you deal with all of them.

By Emma Pattee

You probably experience worry, stress or anxiety at least once on any given day. Nearly 40 million people in the U.S. suffer(ˈsəfər) from an anxiety disorder, according to the Anxiety and Depression(dəˈpreSH(ə)n) Association(-SHē-,əˌsōsēˈāSHən) of America. Three out of four Americans reported feeling stressed in the last month, a 2017 study found. But in one of these moments, if asked which you were experiencing — worry, stress or anxiety — would you know the difference?

I reached out to two experts to help us identify — and cope(kōp) with — all three.

What is worry?

Worry is what happens when your mind dwells on negative thoughts, uncertain outcomes or things that could go wrong. “Worry tends to be repetitive(rəˈpedədiv), obsessive(əbˈsesiv) thoughts,” said Melanie(ˈmeləni) Greenberg, a clinical(ˈklinək(ə)l) psychologist in Mill(mil) Valley(ˈvalē), Calif., and the author(ˈôTHər) of “The Stress-Proof Brain” (2017). “It’s the cognitive component of anxiety.” Simply put, worry happens only in your mind, not in your body.

…

What is stress?

Stress is a physiological(ˌfizēəˈläjək(ə)l) response connected to an external event. In order for the cycle of stress to begin, there must be a stressor(ˈstresər). This is usually some kind of external circumstance, like a work deadline or a scary(ˈske(ə)rē) medical test. “Stress is defined as a reaction to environmental changes or forces(fôrs) that exceed(ikˈsēd) the individual’s resources,” Dr. Greenberg said.

…

What is anxiety?

If stress and worry are the symptoms(ˈsim(p)təm), anxiety is the culmination(ˌkəlməˈnāSHən). Anxiety has a cognitive element (worry) and a physiological response (stress), which means that we experience anxiety in both our mind and our body. “In some ways,” Dr. Marques(märk) said, “anxiety is what happens when you’re dealing with a lot of worry and a lot of stress.”

…

Too worried, stressed or anxious(ˈaNG(k)SHəs) to read the whole article?

Here’s the takeaway: Worry happens in your mind, stress happens in your body, and anxiety happens in your mind and your body. In small doses(dōs), worry, stress and anxiety can be positive forces(fôrs) in our lives. But research shows that most of us are too worried, too stressed and too anxious. The good news, according to Dr. Marques, is that there are simple (not easy) first steps to help regulate(ˈregyəˌlāt) your symptoms: Get enough sleep; eat regular, nutritious(n(y)o͞oˈtriSHəs) meals; and move your body.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/26/smarter-living/the-difference-between-worry-stress-and-anxiety.html

Be a Hell(hel) Yes to Life

By Leo Babauta

So often, we reject the experience in front of us.

It’s usually out of habit, from not wanting this particular experience, not liking the discomfort or uncertainty … or really not liking the fact that we aren’t going to get what we want.

We reject the experience in front of us:

Not liking the way other people are acting (totally justified, they’re idiots(ˈidēət)!)
Getting mad(mad) at ourselves for messing up again (you dumbass(ˈdəmˌas), why are you always doing that??)
Shutting ourselves off to the uncertainty of whatever is going on, by distracting ourselves (ugh(o͝oKH,əKH,əg), I just can’t)
Complaining about other people, often just in our heads (I don’t know why they have to be that way!)
Shutting down, wanting to exit(ˈegzit,ˈeksit), when things get hard (I can’t take this anymore, why does she always have to complain??)
Avoiding the discomfort or fear of something difficult (umm, that’s too hard, I’m going to tackle(ˈtakəl) email!)

This rejection of our experience is why we so often get frustrated(ˈfrəˌstrādəd) with other people, down on ourselves, or avoid the hard things.

It’s why we have such a hard time with good habits: meditation, exercise, healthy food, writing, reading, flossing(fläs,flôs). They’re not easy, so we say no to them, even when we know we should say yes.

It’s why we turn to alcohol(-ˌhäl,ˈalkəˌhôl), smoking, drugs, junk food, TV, social media, other distractions — to numb(nəm) out, to say No to life.

What if instead … we were a Hell Yes to life?

…
https://zenhabits.net/hellya/

My loss

By Derek Sivers

In one year:

My wife divorced(dəˈvôrs) me, and took my life savings.
90% of my company was no longer mine, on a technicality(ˌteknəˈkalədē).
My apartment was destroyed, so I slept and showered(ˈSHou(-ə)r) in the warehouse.
All my employees, led by my good friend and VP, led a mutiny(ˈmyo͞otn-ē) against me. (I never returned, and never saw them again.)
I invested everything I had left in a mutual(ˈmyo͞oCHo͞oəl) fund, which fell(fel) 50% immediately(iˈmēdēətlē), and never came back.
The woman I was madly in love with married the guy she would always complain to me about.

Two weeks after that year ended, three companies called asking if I wanted to sell my company. Though I had said no to that question for ten years, this time I said yes.

I had messed(mess) up so bad, I had to walk away. I had done everything wrong, and needed to cleanse(klenz) myself of all those bad decisions(dəˈsiZHən). I needed to take some time to learn from my mistakes, and replace my thoughts with new ones. A self-made back-to-schooling.

I look back at that year, and know it won’t get much worse. If I can handle that, I can handle anything.

The company sale was announced. The first time someone said “congratulations” I said, “For what? I messed up so bad I lost my baby. That’s nothing to congratulate.” For future congratulations, I just shrug(SHrəg).

We all underestimate(ˌəndərˈestəˌmāt) our ability to massively change our life when it’s gone off track.

Say “no” where you used to say “yes”. Say “yes” where you used to say “no”. Do the thing that scares you the most, then get up and go.

For those of you considering a massive change, I can tell you from experience:

It’s awesome(ˈôsəm) here on the other side.

https://sivers.org/loss

I wish there was a handbook for this messy(ˈmesē) midlife stage

By Charlotte Phillips

Why isn’t there a midlife equivalent(əˈkwiv(ə)lənt) to the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting – that manual(ˈmanyə(wə)l) so many of us pored(pôr) over during our child-rearing(ri(ə)r) years. The one that gave us a heads-up as we stumbled through that stage in our lives and reassured(ˌrēəˈSHo͝or) us that it would all work out. Is What You Weren’t Expecting in Midlife somewhere out there?

Recently, I turned 59, and I look back on this decade with equal parts gratitude and complete bewilderment(biˈwildərmənt). These years brought waves of unexpected struggles into my life and it seems to be a common story among my middle-aged friends. They, too, have endured(enˈd(y)o͝or) a barrage(bəˈräZH) of difficult experiences: aging parents, startling(ˈstärdliNG) health issues, heart-wrenching(ren(t)SH) family rifts(rift), twists(twist) and turns in the lives of our children, divorces(dəˈvôrs), deaths and failures of all kinds. We commiserate(kəˈmizəˌrāt) with one another about feeling a bit sucker-punched around so many corners. (On the positive side, I did manage to surpass(sərˈpas) the age my father was when he suddenly died of a heart attack in 1980. He was 58.)

On the morning of my December birthday, I thought about the abrupt(əˈbrəpt) ending of my marriage, when I was just 51. That seismic(ˈsīzmik) upheaval(ˌəpˈhēvəl) scarred(skär) my sense of self and security, and buried(ˈberē) my belief in a happily ever-after story line. At the time, I was sure it was the worst thing I would have to endure. It was only the beginning.

A long, detailed and difficult move to a condo(ˈkändō) from our family home felt more like a failed(fāld) army(ˈärmē) in retreat(rəˈtrēt) than the launch of a new and exciting chapter in my life. It was a complete change in the genre(ˈZHänrə) of the story of me; like, halfway through a Jane Austen novel, Stephen King showed up.

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https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/first-person/article-i-wish-there-was-a-handbook-for-this-messy-midlife-stage/

If Your Kid Keeps Asking ‘Why,’ Give Them an Answer

Your kid’s constant questions might be annoying but they offer a unique chance to shape their developing brains(brān)

By Neha Chaudhary

I hopped diagonally(dīˈagənlē) from one fallen leaf(lēf) to another, hearing them crinkle(ˈkriNGkəl) under my little 3-year-old feet. I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes wide. “Mama, why do flowers have petals(ˈpedl)?”

“To look pretty, so that insects(ˈinˌsekt) and birds come to them,” my mother answered.

“Mama, why are those things sticking(stik) out?” I asked.

“That’s the stamen(ˈstāmin),” she responded. She went on to explain pollination(ˌpäləˈnāSH(ə)n), gently nudging(nəj) me forward. An hour later, we were still only several yards from the house, yet had covered composting(ˈkämˌpōst), aerodynamics(ˌerōˌdīˈnamik) of planes, and why ants were crawling(krôl) over a browned(broun) apple core on the ground. All in a day’s nature walk.

Now, as a child psychiatrist(sīˈkīətrəst, səˈkīətrəst) who guides parents through the development of their young ones, I realize how important it was that my mother answered all of those questions, even when it must have been tiresome(ˈtīrsəm). It turns out that by answering and asking questions, parents play a vital(ˈvīdl) role in a child’s learning. By paying attention to this simple — sometimes annoying — phenomenon(-nən,fəˈnäməˌnän), parents may help shape their child’s development and better set them up for longer term success.

Research has shown that the more motivated kids are to learn early in life, the more likely they will be successful later. In 1979, researchers at California State University, Fullerton(ˈfo͝olərtən), began following 130 infants(ˈinfənt) all the way through adulthood, amassing(əˈmas) 17,000 data points per person. They tested the kids at regular intervals until age 17 and then surveyed(sərˈvā) them in adulthood. The unique 30-year project, called the Fullerton Longitudinal(ˌlänjəˈt(y)o͞od(ə)nəl) Study, found that, independent of IQ, kids who were especially curious and enjoyed learning scored higher on standardized(ˈstandərˌdīz) tests, were more likely to stay in school, and were more likely to go to graduate(ˈɡrajəˌwāt) school than their less curious peers.…

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https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/27/parenting/kids-asking-questions-development.html

Collecting Memories

By Steve Pavlina

Instead of thinking of life as a series(ˈsi(ə)rēz) of goals or accomplishments, I also like to think of life as a collection of memories. I ponder(ˈpändər) what kinds of memories I’d like to add to that collection as I age.

This helps me get past overly abstract goals and focus on the experiential(ikˌspirēˈen(t)SH(ə)l) nature of life. Sometimes achieving a goal is a great experience, but sometimes it can be a boring(ˈbôriNG) slog(släg) where only the end result matters. If we pay more attention to the experiences we’re accumulating and not just the achievements we’re ticking(ˈtikiNG) off, we can acquire better memories and feel more enjoyment from those memories.

I’ve been investing in this mindset a lot more during the past 10 years than I have in other decades of my life, and it’s made a noticeable(ˈnōdəsəb(ə)l) difference in how I feel about the past. That last decade is filled with such delightful(dəˈlītfəl) memories that I cherish(ˈCHeriSH). I contrast this with other periods(ˈpi(ə)rēəd) of my life when I didn’t practice this mindset, and I realize that I allowed too many days to go by where I didn’t create enough beautiful memories.

Some of my favorite memories are of travel(ˈtravəl) experiences. I have vivid(ˈvivid) memories of Paris(ˈperəs), London, Berlin(bərˈlin), Amsterdam(ˈamstərˌdam), Bucharest(ˈbo͞okəˌrest), Lucerne(lo͞oˈsərn), Rome(rōm), and more. I recall an amazing 23-day road trip(trip) through the Pacific(pəˈsifik) Northwest. And of course how could I forget the Las(läs) Vegas(ˈvāgəs) Zombie(ˈzämbē) Run?

Some cherished memories are actually very simple and inexpensive. They were little decisions to add some extra flavor(ˈflāvər) to my memory banks. I read several Mark Twain(twān) novels during the past few years, including Tom Sawyer(ˈsôyər), Huckleberry(ˈhəkəlˌberē) Finn(fin), and A Connecticut(kəˈnedəkət) Yankee(ˈyaNGkē) in King Arthur’s(ˈärTHər) Court(kôrt). Recalling some of the ridiculous(rəˈdikyələs) events from those stories puts a smile on my face.

Last night I began reading Don(dän) Quixote(kēˈhōtē), which is more than 400 years old. This is a book I’ve always wanted to read, and I just finally began reading it, partly because I want to acquire the memory of having read it. I want to add some intimate knowledge of this book to my mind. And I also want to experience the story. It’s about a man who decides to become a chivalrous(ˈSHivəlrəs) knight(nīt) and go on adventures in a world that cares little for chivalry(ˈSHivəlrē).

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https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2020/03/collecting-memories/