Why self-compassion – not self-esteem – leads to success

Why self-compassion(kəmˈpaSHən) – not self-esteem(əˈstēm) – leads to success

Talking about being kind to yourself may sound like something from a nursery(ˈnərs(ə)rē) classroom. But even cynics(ˈsinik) should care about self-compassion – especially if they want to be resilient(rəˈzilyənt).

By David Robson

Think back to the last time you failed or made an important mistake. Do you still blush(bləSH) with shame, and scold(skōld) yourself for having been so stupid or selfish(ˈselfiSH)? Do you tend to feel alone in that failure, as if you were the only person to have erred(er)? Or do you accept that error is a part of being human, and try to talk to yourself with care and tenderness(ˈtendərnəs)?

For many people, the most harshly(ˈhärSHlē) judgemental responses are the most natural. Indeed, we may even take pride(prīd) in being hard on ourselves as a sign of our ambition and resolution(ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n) to be our best possible self. But a wealth of research shows that self-criticism(ˈkridəˌsizəm) often backfires – badly. Besides increasing our unhappiness and stress levels, it can increase procrastination, and makes us even less able to achieve our goals in the future.

Instead of chastising(ˈCHasˌtīz) ourselves, we should practice self-compassion: greater forgiveness of our mistakes, and a deliberate(dəˈlib(ə)rət ) effort to take care of ourselves throughout times of disappointment or embarrassment(əmˈberəsmənt). “Most of us have a good friend in our lives, who is kind of unconditionally supportive(səˈpôrdiv),” says Kristin Neff(e), an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, who has pioneered(ˌpīəˈnir) this research. “Self-compassion is learning to be that same warm, supportive friend to yourself.”

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https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210111-why-self-compassion-not-self-esteem-leads-to-success