Should You Reach Out to a Former Friend Right Now?

Should You Reach Out to a Former(ˈfôrmər) Friend Right Now?

It’s understandable(ˌəndərˈstandəb(ə)l) to want to rekindle(ˌrēˈkind(ə)l) a lapsed(lapst) friendship, but experts say you should think about what your intentions are before you reach out.

By Anna Goldfarb

Many of us are now feeling a pull to connect with someone from our past. After all, you can be around people all day — children, spouses(spous), roommates — and still feel lonely. You might be missing your most intimate(ˈin(t)əmət,ˈin(t)əˌmāt) relationships, your fun acquaintances(əˈkwāntəns) and the communities you belong to that bring out certain sides of your personality(ˌpərsəˈnalədē).

We’re especially(iˈspeSHəlē) vulnerable(ˈvəln(ə)rəb(ə)l) right now. Because when we feel lonely, studies show we also tend to be more impulsive(imˈpəlsiv). It’s harder to think clearly when loneliness is draining(drān) our psychological(ˌsīkəˈläjək(ə)l) resources. Therefore, we might be more open to revisiting(rēˈvizit) relationships that aren’t good for us.

You might also be feeling bolder because of the pandemic. Studies show that being aware of our own mortality(môrˈtalədē) — a psychological concept called mortality salience(ˈsālēəns) was— makes us want to pull our friendships close. In this new light, rejection(rəˈjekSH(ə)n) isn’t as scary(ˈskerē). It’s like, why not reach out? What’s there to lose(lo͞oz)?

Another reason for looking to rekindle old relationships is that you might be seeking comfort(ˈkəmfərt). Research shows that friendship fundamentally(ˌfəndəˈmen(t)əlē) alters(ˈôltər) the way we perceive(pərˈsēv) stress. “When you’re feeling really stressed out and you talk to your friend and all of a sudden like it just doesn’t seem as stressful or as big or as looming,” said Dr. Marisa(mərisə) Franco, a psychologist(sīˈkäləjəst) and relationship expert.

With this cocktail(ˈkäkˌtāl) of loneliness, impulsivity(ˌimˌpəlˈsivitē) and an enhanced need for support, it’s understandable to want to resume a lapsed friendship.

Before you reach out, experts agree you should think about what your intentions are. Do you want to just say a quick hello, engage in a deep-dive catch-up session or re-enter each other’s lives more fully? Identify why you’ve lost touch in the first place. Did your friendship officially(əˈfiSHəlē) — or unofficially(ˌənəˈfiSHəlē) — end? Was there betrayal(bəˈtrāəl, bēˈtrāəl) or disloyalty(disˈloiəltē) involved? Why you stopped talking to each other will influence(ˈinflo͝oəns) how you approach the person and how that acquaintance responds to you.

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https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/02/smarter-living/should-you-reach-out-to-a-former-friend-right-now.html