I’m single and I’m fine with it – don’t pity me

I’m single and I’m fine with it – don’t pity(ˈpidē) me

By Carrie Freedman

I ran into a work acquaintance(əˈkwāntəns) the other day. She asked if I had someone “special” in my life. “Nope(nōp),” I replied with a smile. But she looked concerned(kənˈsərnd) and assured(əˈSHo͝ord) me not to worry, that I was “a catch” and would find someone soon. While her sentiment(ˈsen(t)əmənt) was well meaning, I found it irksome(ˈərksəm). Who said I was looking for someone?

She is not the first to suggest my being single required condolences(kənˈdōləns). Many people, especially those in a relationship, make assumptions(əˈsəm(p)SHən) about single people. After my divorce(dəˈvôrs), the first assumption I was confronted(kənˈfrənt) with was that the divorce was a result of infidelity(ˌinfəˈdelədē) or abuse(əˈbyo͞oz). When they discovered it was neither, I was often met with disdain(disˈdān). People had a hard time understanding my decision. To end a marriage(ˈmarij), especially when there were children involved (and there were), seemed a selfish act. Why couldn’t we just suck it up, at least for the kids’ sake(sāk,ˈsäkē) ?

The truth is, my marriage dissolved(dəˈzälv) because it was a toxic(ˈtäksik) relationship. Ultimately(ˈəltəmətlē), both of us knew the marriage needed to end. There were no extramarital(ˌekstrəˈmerədl) affairs(əˈfe(ə)r), no big dramas(ˈdrämə) that broke us up. It was simply years and years of trying to make it work, and finally recognizing that it was not going to.

Not everyone was disdainful(disˈdānfəl). A good number of people offered me their pity. This also felt odd(äd). I had made a choice that ultimately improved my life and my children’s lives. If you want to pity someone, pity those that stay in stale(stāl) relationships because the unknown is too terrifying. For some people, stability(stəˈbilədē) is comforting. It doesn’t matter if that stability is suffocating(ˈsəfəˌkāt) the life out of them.

Another assumption I encounter is that I am lonely because I am single. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. When I was married, I was painfully lonely – I cried a lot more and laughed a lot less. I remember going to sleep at night with my partner lying(ˈlī-iNG) next to me, both of us worlds apart, and the piercing(ˈpi(ə)rsiNG) loneliness that invaded(inˈvād) me in those moments.

Being single does not mean being without love. Love is all around us.

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https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/first-person/article-im-single-and-im-fine-with-it-dont-pity-me/