CORRINE, a news anchor(ˈaNGkər), is reading off the day’s events to the camera


Good evening, ladies and gentlemen(ˈjen(t)lmən), and welcome to KWX news. I’m your host, Corrine Dewar(ˈd(y)o͞owər).

Today, June(jo͞on) 23rd, is notable(ˈnōtəbəl) for a number of major(ˈmājər) events happening around the world in countries most viewers have never heard of. Accordingly, they don’t matter to this news program, and probably won’t be featured(ˈfēCHər) here until one of them attacks us, buys us, or makes an adorable(əˈdôrəbəl) video of a cat trying to play the piano(pēˈanō,pēˈänō).

Today, as with yesterday, June 22nd, crime(krīm) is on the general(ˈjenərəl) downswing(ˈdounˌswiNG), a trend(trend) that started sometime after the colonial(-nēəl,kəˈlōnyəl) period(ˈpi(ə)rēəd) in the continental(ˌkäntnˈentl) United States. In response, we have found four to five shocking(ˈSHäkiNG) incidents(ˈinsəd(ə)nt) of horrific(həˈrifik) violence(ˈvī(ə)ləns) to convince(kənˈvins) you that you will die if you ever choose to ride(rīd) the bus.

A breaking news story has just been handed to me, notifying me that this story has already been extensively(ikˈstensəvlē) covered by online sources, and that not only is it not breaking, but shards of it have already been ground underfoot into a light powder(ˈpoudər). To voice your opinion(əˈpinyən) on this breaking news, please visit our website or “tweet” it in the general direction of our broadcasting company.

In sports, we spoke to a famous athlete(ˈaTHˌlēt) and asked him to respond without using the words “uh(ə,əN),” “crazy,” “like,” “y’know,” or “really good.” While we’re waiting, let’s take a look at entertainment(ˌen(t)ərˈtānmənt).

In celebrity(səˈlebrədē) news tonight, actors are good at acting and musicians can often sing well, or even passably(ˈpasəblē). They also have opinions on things and relationships with each other and other people. We here at KWX wouldn’t know anything about any of this, because we are a news station.

Finally, here is a heartwarming(ˈhärtˌwôrmiNG) clip(klip) of a baby doing something inane(iˈnān) yet adorable(əˈdôrəbəl). Although you’ve already watched it online, we’re going to play it again here in its entirety(-ˈtīritē,enˈtī(ə)rtē).

That’s our news for tonight. This is Corrine Dewar, signing(ˈsīniNG) off.