Understand

Understand

By Ted Chiang

A layer of ice; it feels rough(rəf) against my face, but not cold. I’ve got nothing to hold on to; my gloves(gləv) just keep sliding(slīd) off it. I can see people on top, running around, but they can’t do anything. I’m trying to pound the ice with my fists(fist), but my arms move in slow motion, and my lungs(ləNG) must have burst(bərst), and my head’s going fuzzy(ˈfəzē), and I feel like I’m dissolving(diˈzälv)—

I wake up, screaming(skrēm). My heart’s going like a jackhammer(ˈjakˌhamər). Christ(krīst). I pull off my blankets(ˈblaNGkit) and sit on the edge(ej) of the bed.

I couldn’t remember that before. Before I only remembered falling through the ice; the doctor said my mind had suppressed(səˈpres) the rest. Now I remember it, and it’s the worst(wərst) nightmare(ˈnītˌme(ə)r) I’ve ever had.

I’m grabbing(grab) the down comforter(ˈkəmfərtər) with my fists(fist), and I can feel myself trembling(ˈtrembəl). I try to calm(kä(l)m) down, to breathe(brēT͟H) slowly, but sobs(säb) keep forcing their way out. It was so real I could feel it: feel what it was like to die.

I was in that water for nearly an hour; I was more vegetable(ˈvejtəbəl,ˈvəjətə-) than anything else by the time they brought me up. Am I recovered? It was the first time the hospital had ever tried their new drug(drəg) on someone with so much brain(brān) damage(ˈdamij). Did it work?

—

The same nightmare, again and again. After the third time, I know I’m not going to sleep again. I spend the remaining(riˈmāniNG) hours before dawn(dän,dôn) worrying. Is this the result? Am I losing(lo͞oz) my mind?

Tomorrow is my weekly checkup with the resident(ˈrez(ə)dənt,ˈrezəˌdent) at the hospital. I hope he’ll have some answers.

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