Why Trying to Be Less Awkward(ˈôkwərd) Never Works

Why Trying to Be Less Awkward(ˈôkwərd) Never Works

By Mellisa(məlisə) Dahl

You know that thing where someone is walking toward you, and you move one way but so do they, then you move the other way but so do they, and you repeat this dance until, inevitably(inˈevitəblē), one of you says, “Shall we dance?”

Awkward moments like these can be panic(ˈpanik)-inducing, and judging(jəj) by the number of books and articles and videos on awkwardness that have popped up in recent years, this is far from a unique(yo͞oˈnēk) worry. So many of these try to help by offering outrageously(aʊtˈreɪdʒəsli) specific(spəˈsifik) advice(ədˈvīs). Don’t let a conversational(ˌkänvərˈsāSHənl) silence last longer than four seconds. Memorize(ˈmeməˌrīz) this easy formula(ˈfôrmyələ) for politely(pəˈlīt) ending a conversation: “Content Summary(ˈsəmərē) Statement, Justification(ˌjəstəfiˈkāSHən), Positive(ˈpäztiv,ˈpäzətiv) Affect Statement, Continuity(ˌkäntnˈ(y)o͞oətē), and Well-Wishing.” Tilt(tilt) your head and point your feet toward people you’re talking to, in order to show them that you’re interested in what they’re saying.

There is something soothing(ˈso͞oT͟HiNG) about this kind of prescriptive(priˈskriptiv) advice, especially because it’s so often backed by the sweet certainty(ˈsərtntē) of studies. Do exactly(igˈzak(t)lē) this, this and this, and you’ll never feel awkward again! And yet in practice, wouldn’t focusing so closely on your movements and your words only make you feel that much more self-conscious(ˈkänCHəs)?

It’s a version(ˈvərZHən) of something psychology(sīˈkäləjē) researchers call explicit(ikˈsplisit) monitoring theory(ˈTHi(ə)rē,ˈTHēərē), a concept that’s often applied to athletics(aTHˈletiks). The gist(jist) is this: Focusing on the details(diˈtāl,ˈdētāl) is a good way for newbies(ˈn(y)o͞obē) to learn(lərn) the basics of some skill or sport. But when expert athletes think too hard about what they’re doing, that can cause them to screw(skro͞o) up. Psychologists have a nifty(ˈniftē) little questionnaire(ˌkwesCHəˈne(ə)r) intended to gauge(gāj) how likely people are to choke(CHōk) under pressure(ˈpreSHər); those who are tend to be more likely to agree with statements like these:

“I’m self-conscious about the way I look when I’m moving.”

“I am concerned about what people think about me when I am moving.”

“If I see my reflection in a shop window, I will examine(igˈzamən) my movements.”

…
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/13/smarter-living/dont-be-less-awkward.html