The Secret to Interpersonal(ˌintərˈpərsənəl) Happiness

The Secret to Interpersonal(ˌintərˈpərsənəl) Happiness

By Leo Babauta

As much as we desire(dəˈzī(ə)r) being connected to others — good friendships, a wonderful romantic relationship, close family members — this connection always comes at a cost.

We get frustrated(ˈfrəsˌtrātid) by other people.

You know it’s true(tro͞o). You might be really(ˈrē(ə)lē) good friends with someone, but then they get angry(ˈaNGgrē) at you for some reason(ˈrēzən), or they behave without consideration(kənˌsidəˈrāSHən), and all of a sudden(ˈsədn), your mood is much darker. You’re not happy with them, maybe they’re not happy with you. Things can go sour(ˈsou(ə)r) very quickly.

This is such a difficult problem that you could devote(diˈvōt) entire(enˈtīr) books to ways of working out these kinds of conflicts and frustrations(frəˈstrāSHən). But I have one technique that, if applied(əˈplīd) consistently(kənˈsistənt), will lead(led,lēd) to a lot more happiness.

The secret: always take the good-hearted view of other people.

That takes some explaining, so let’s take a look at two ways of looking at other people:

The ill-intentioned(inˈtenCHən) view. When someone does something rude(ro͞od), you think, “Why do they have to be so inconsiderate(ˌinkənˈsidərit)?” or “Who does that?” Basically(ˈbāsik(ə)lē), you see their actions in the worst possible(ˈpäsəbəl) light, without putting yourself in their shoes. Most of us do this regularly(ˈreg(ə)lər,ˈregyələr) without realizing it. Anytime you’re mad(mad) or frustrated with someone, this is what you’re doing.

The good-hearted(härt) view. When someone does something inconsiderate — and I’m not saying their actions are justified(ˈjəstəˌfīd) — you can try to think of those actions in a good-hearted way. For example, maybe they’re having a bad day and are grumpy(ˈgrəmpē) — that doesn’t excuse their actions, but you can understand the feeling of being grumpy. Or maybe they were hurt by something you did (which you might not realize(ˈrē(ə)ˌlīz)) and they are lashing(ˈlaSHiNG) out because of that hurt. That’s not a nice way to react, of course, but we can all relate(riˈlāt) to feeling hurt and lashing out. So the good-hearted view is that this is someone you care about who is hurting. Forget the personal offense(əˈfens), think about their pain(pān), and be compassionate(kəmˈpaSHənət) towards that pain.

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https://zenhabits.net/interpersonal/